My journey to motherhood

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. How is that possible that we’re in May already?! 2018 my oldest has turned 10, my youngest 1, and my middle turns 5 in September! This is a big year for all of them and has me reflecting on my journey, both heartbreak and happiness to motherhood. I’m 30 years old with a 10 year old so obviously I became a mother at a young age. It was scary finding out I was pregnant at 19 but got so lucky to have the support of family and the most amazing man by my side. My first pregnancy was a breeze with the minor hiccup of preeclampsia at 38 weeks and needing to get induced. I had no idea what was ahead of us.

Once my daughter was 2.5 years old my husband and I decided to try again. We got pregnant right away only to quickly learn what a chemical pregnancy is. That was a hard hit, but I shook it off telling myself that loses were sadly common and the next would be successful. A couple months later we found out once again we were pregnant, I was nervous but thought there was no way I’d have bad “luck” twice. Boy was I wrong. We walked into our 9 week appointment for a dating ultrasound only to learn that there was no heartbeat and I was measuring 5 weeks. I knew something was wrong even though my doctors just told me I was wrong with my dates so I made a switch to investigate further. Switching doctors only confirmed what I knew so after some genetic testing we learned that I was the carrier of a balanced translocation, a genetic disorder that gives me a high probability of miscarriages.

After yet another loss, we decided to go through IVF so we could test the embryos before transplant. Thinking this could be our solution to miscarriages. We went through our first round very conservatively, too conservatively, and I didn’t produce enough eggs to make the round worth it. After that we went straight into another round with the right dosages for me and finally had enough eggs to move further into the process. IVF is so hard!! I mean HARD! Emotions are high, hormones are high and the stakes are high. We get to transplant day with only 1 embryo that didn’t have my translocation and was “healthy” enough to move further. I was so disappointed in myself for this but yet tried to have hope. We finally got the call that I was pregnant but my numbers were on the lower side. We continued to monitor closely and sadly found out that even through IVF and genetic testing we were having another loss. Heartbroken and defeated don’t touch the emotions I was feeling. I was lost with grief.

After that experience we decided to just try naturally again. We knew it was possible because we had living proof. At this point a beautiful 3 year old girl was our reminder that another was a possibility.

Honestly, an embarrassing truth but we had many losses after, I had to stop keeping track after 10 for my sanity. My daughter was 4.5 now and I was recovering from my most recent heartbreak, that happened on Christmas morning, but January 2013 we found out yet again that I was pregnant. I tip toed through this pregnancy waiting for the shoe to drop. After seeing specialist all telling us that this was a healthy pregnancy, finally, I started to believe it and enjoy it. My second daughter made her appearance and I finally felt whole again. I once again experienced preeclampsia and was hospitalized and in bed rest much earlier but thankfully delivered a healthy baby girl. I prayed for that sweet girl and all the tears I shed in the process were worth it.

It took a long while for me to admit that I wanted another to my husband. He was so against it because he saw the heartbreak i went through and he obviously went through his own. He thought he was protecting me by saying he was done but after a tear filled conversation we decided to try again. This time we experienced 2 losses before we had our heartbeat. This pregnancy was different. I was diagnosed at the beginning with a sub chronic hemotoma and placed on bed rest until it resolved. At 13 weeks we found out that our NT scan results were abnormal which killed me inside. In the past, once we have a heartbeat we had been in the clear so this was a whole new ball game. We did further genetic testing and learned all was well with our little BOY and each and every weekly scan came back clear and he was growing strong. I never enjoyed this last pregnancy. I was scared out of my mind and once again landed in the hospital on bed rest but this time with HELLP syndrome. This was one of the most traumatic birthing experiences. I delivered him and he could barely breath on his own, gasping for air because he was delivered so early at 35 weeks.

Knowing he’s my last, not only because he’s our third but also because I could never put my own health at risk again and gamble my kids losing their mother, has been the strangest experience. All his firsts are my lasts and as I type that my eyes are watering because it’s surreal. I love my kids, I struggled to have them but I wouldn’t change a thing because it’s made me that much more grateful.

I didn’t mean to spill out so many feelings on here but as Mother’s Day approaches it’s bringing up so many emotions that I felt the need to share. I know I’m not alone in loses and I hope that sharing my experiences can give someone hope that miracles do happen.

To all the moms, to baby’s here or in heaven, and to all the women whether pregnant or currently trying, happy Mother’s Day!

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